My life has been and remains unconventional in many ways. I was conceived as a Love Child, so the challenges to society's norms and the status quo began then already. This as I have come to understand and accept, is my purpose and mission, to battle the energy matrix we all find ourselves existing in. I was docilely unaware of the experience I was living until Spirit triggered me in 2012 to begin recalling all I was before I was born. I was tripping balls at a party celebrating Gay Pride and had a 5 hour conversation with God, my Higher Self, The Spirit of Truth (whichever floats your boat), the outcome of which was that the veil to this world was lifted and I became conscious of the energy matrix and those who control it. It put me on a quest for Truth and understanding of who I am, what I had falsely been taught and what was truly transpiring around me.
I spent 4 years thereafter re-examining EVERYTHING! Some labelled me a conspiracy theorist, and I actually don't give a fuck about it. I'm no longer ignorant of the world we live in! I'm well aware of the agenda at play and the slippery road humanity is being led down. This is a burden and responsibility few would want or accept, yet the war is real and must be waged. Undergoing a Spiritual Awakening is not for the faint of heart, you question your own sanity, but there is no escaping from the Truth, as I would in time come to learn in a hard way. As I said, living consciously and aware every moment of every day, is a burden and responsibility few want or would accept, you do develop a Messiah complex, which is its own pitfall. For me the burden became overwhelming and I tried to go back to sleep. I began to booze, party and drug without abandon and forget all that I had been made aware of. Spirit had to remind me back in 2017 rather harshly of the reason I signed up for the task at hand...I got involved with a narcissist who came very close to destroying me.
I was left shattered and emasculated. Anyone with intimate knowledge of narcissists, knows the incredible damage they wreak. At their core is a negative thought pattern so devastating they are imprisoned by it, and want all others to be too. He'd projected his false self onto me by saying, "You're so broken there is no tool available to fix you!". That statement was meant to diminish and demean me to the point where I would find no hope in my situation. It actually gave me the answer to who I was and why I was brought into his life....I was conceived of Love and that is The Universe's tool for EVERYTHING! In coming to terms with the ordeal and in beginning the healing phase of my life, I went on a Soul Quest to Thailand at the beginning of 2018. I reaffirmed and committed myself to my Light. Shortly after my return I underwent an Ayahausca ceremony, where again I communed with God, and was reminded of my calling and undertaking. A couple of months later I decided the best way to fight the good fight was to become a Shaman, and for the last year have been mentored by a renowned Johannesburg Spiritual Healer and Shaman, Lionel Berman.
Becoming a Shaman is my call to arms. To help restore the energy balance, where very little is to be found. Something I was becoming aware of and Lionel increasingly concerned of, was that I was actually imbalanced myself. I had anchored myself so much in my Light that it was causing me to become depressed and frustrated. I was living like a pious and sanctimonious monk, isolated and removed from the world. I had not had sex in over a year, which was residue left from the relationship I'd lived through. It had left me fearful and impotent. As a shaman you cannot work from that power base. When I returned from Australia after visiting my family for the first time in a decade, I realised I was using my Light to hide in. I was not facing my fears, and this is a pattern I used all too well. I tried to hide being gay by thinking I could beat it by getting married to a woman. I hid in a relationship for years to avoid disclosing my HIV status. Now I was hiding in my Light, to avoid facing the fear that I was an unsatisfying lover....something the narcissist had shifted my mind into believing.
Sexual energy is a very powerful force from which we are able to create our identity. Sex is an acronym for Sacred Energy Xchange. My Sacral Chakra, Svadhisthana, had become blocked and required healing. I knew that I would have to turn to my Shadow or dark side in order to "fix" the problem. I was however also very aware that I was not in my authentic power in order to do so...yet! Come May 14th and low and behold The Universe pits me in a physical altercation with a young strapping boxer. I was defending a female client at the gym from being intimidated by this guy, who took exception to being called out publicly for his actions. I had no chance of beating the guy, yet for the first time in my life I was not going to back down, shy away or run from my conviction. We took it outside and I was left worse for wear for my efforts, but I had stood my ground and was in no way scared or fearful of the consequences. This was the trigger and sign from The Universe that I needed. I had moved into my 200 point of courage on the Scale of Consciousness and was now operating from a power of authenticity. The time had come to face my underlying fears, and I knew I could now use Shadow to regain my power.
At the end of May, I got reacquainted with and old friend of mine named Crystal. She brings with her a very negative energy called lust. I also enlisted another friend named Grindr, and we got to work. A sure fire way for me to regain my sexual energy. I'm in no way promoting or condoning the use of drugs, this is my journey and I recognise that I used an unconventional method to achieve a result some would rather have sought a specialist therapist for. Your opinions and judgments are inconsequential to me. What transpired though reaffirmed my calling to become a shaman. My soul calls out to the broken. In my 5 encounters through the month of June, I came into contact with the same narcissist, malevolent, insidious, dark and evil energy I was in a relationship with in 2017. I was reliving the same nightmare, but this time the balance of power had been tippped. Where I was using the experiences to regain my sexual energy, Spirit was testing me on my power of intuition. Through the experience of 2017, I had wholly and flatly ignored what my intuition had been screaming at me. I allowed my mind to dictate what I was wanting and desiring at the expense of all else. Now, being placed in the same situation in 5 different scenarios, I listened to my intuition intensively. If I felt I was being diminished, demeaned or devalued, I would remove myself from the environment or take bolder action.
Not listening to your intuition leads to Soul Loss. My Shamanic Death, trial by fire, was to eradicate my false sense of self and restore my authentic self. I hadn't lost my sexual energy, it was always there. It was my intuition Spirit needed me to reconnect with, rely on and depend on. A Shaman without a strong intuition is dead in the water. Your intuition is your connection to The Divine. It is the Sixth Sense we are being asked to manifest physically at this time like we do the other five. It heralds the evolution of man and return to the Original Blueprint of the Creator. I recognise and acknowledge the duality of our world. You cannot create Light without Dark, but the importance is in maintaining balance. This is the work of a Shaman. I can be arrogant, yet humble. I can be greedy, yet generous. I can be lustful, yet loving. I am Shadow and Light, two sides of One coin.Yin and Yang. Empath and Narcissist...but one may not have power over the other...A Shaman is one who knows how the world works and endeavors to bring balance to not only his life, but the lives of others.
This is my story, my journey....MY POWER! and I'm stepping into it!!!
God Bless Us All!
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