My life has been and remains unconventional in many ways. I was conceived as a Love Child, so the challenges to society's norms and the status quo began then already. This as I have come to understand and accept, is my purpose and mission, to battle the energy matrix we all find ourselves existing in. I was docilely unaware of the experience I was living until Spirit triggered me in 2012 to begin recalling all I was before I was born. I was tripping balls at a party celebrating Gay Pride and had a 5 hour conversation with God, my Higher Self, The Spirit of Truth (whichever floats your boat), the outcome of which was that the veil to this world was lifted and I became conscious of the energy matrix and those who control it. It put me on a quest for Truth and understanding of who I am, what I had falsely been taught and what was truly transpiring around me.
I spent 4 years thereafter re-examining EVERYTHING! Some labelled me a conspiracy theorist, and I actually don't give a fuck about it. I'm no longer ignorant of the world we live in! I'm well aware of the agenda at play and the slippery road humanity is being led down. This is a burden and responsibility few would want or accept, yet the war is real and must be waged. Undergoing a Spiritual Awakening is not for the faint of heart, you question your own sanity, but there is no escaping from the Truth, as I would in time come to learn in a hard way. As I said, living consciously and aware every moment of every day, is a burden and responsibility few want or would accept, you do develop a Messiah complex, which is its own pitfall. For me the burden became overwhelming and I tried to go back to sleep. I began to booze, party and drug without abandon and forget all that I had been made aware of. Spirit had to remind me back in 2017 rather harshly of the reason I signed up for the task at hand...I got involved with a narcissist who came very close to destroying me.
I was left shattered and emasculated. Anyone with intimate knowledge of narcissists, knows the incredible damage they wreak. At their core is a negative thought pattern so devastating they are imprisoned by it, and want all others to be too. He'd projected his false self onto me by saying, "You're so broken there is no tool available to fix you!". That statement was meant to diminish and demean me to the point where I would find no hope in my situation. It actually gave me the answer to who I was and why I was brought into his life....I was conceived of Love and that is The Universe's tool for EVERYTHING! In coming to terms with the ordeal and in beginning the healing phase of my life, I went on a Soul Quest to Thailand at the beginning of 2018. I reaffirmed and committed myself to my Light. Shortly after my return I underwent an Ayahausca ceremony, where again I communed with God, and was reminded of my calling and undertaking. A couple of months later I decided the best way to fight the good fight was to become a Shaman, and for the last year have been mentored by a renowned Johannesburg Spiritual Healer and Shaman, Lionel Berman.
Becoming a Shaman is my call to arms. To help restore the energy balance, where very little is to be found. Something I was becoming aware of and Lionel increasingly concerned of, was that I was actually imbalanced myself. I had anchored myself so much in my Light that it was causing me to become depressed and frustrated. I was living like a pious and sanctimonious monk, isolated and removed from the world. I had not had sex in over a year, which was residue left from the relationship I'd lived through. It had left me fearful and impotent. As a shaman you cannot work from that power base. When I returned from Australia after visiting my family for the first time in a decade, I realised I was using my Light to hide in. I was not facing my fears, and this is a pattern I used all too well. I tried to hide being gay by thinking I could beat it by getting married to a woman. I hid in a relationship for years to avoid disclosing my HIV status. Now I was hiding in my Light, to avoid facing the fear that I was an unsatisfying lover....something the narcissist had shifted my mind into believing.
Sexual energy is a very powerful force from which we are able to create our identity. Sex is an acronym for Sacred Energy Xchange. My Sacral Chakra, Svadhisthana, had become blocked and required healing. I knew that I would have to turn to my Shadow or dark side in order to "fix" the problem. I was however also very aware that I was not in my authentic power in order to do so...yet! Come May 14th and low and behold The Universe pits me in a physical altercation with a young strapping boxer. I was defending a female client at the gym from being intimidated by this guy, who took exception to being called out publicly for his actions. I had no chance of beating the guy, yet for the first time in my life I was not going to back down, shy away or run from my conviction. We took it outside and I was left worse for wear for my efforts, but I had stood my ground and was in no way scared or fearful of the consequences. This was the trigger and sign from The Universe that I needed. I had moved into my 200 point of courage on the Scale of Consciousness and was now operating from a power of authenticity. The time had come to face my underlying fears, and I knew I could now use Shadow to regain my power.
At the end of May, I got reacquainted with and old friend of mine named Crystal. She brings with her a very negative energy called lust. I also enlisted another friend named Grindr, and we got to work. A sure fire way for me to regain my sexual energy. I'm in no way promoting or condoning the use of drugs, this is my journey and I recognise that I used an unconventional method to achieve a result some would rather have sought a specialist therapist for. Your opinions and judgments are inconsequential to me. What transpired though reaffirmed my calling to become a shaman. My soul calls out to the broken. In my 5 encounters through the month of June, I came into contact with the same narcissist, malevolent, insidious, dark and evil energy I was in a relationship with in 2017. I was reliving the same nightmare, but this time the balance of power had been tippped. Where I was using the experiences to regain my sexual energy, Spirit was testing me on my power of intuition. Through the experience of 2017, I had wholly and flatly ignored what my intuition had been screaming at me. I allowed my mind to dictate what I was wanting and desiring at the expense of all else. Now, being placed in the same situation in 5 different scenarios, I listened to my intuition intensively. If I felt I was being diminished, demeaned or devalued, I would remove myself from the environment or take bolder action.
Not listening to your intuition leads to Soul Loss. My Shamanic Death, trial by fire, was to eradicate my false sense of self and restore my authentic self. I hadn't lost my sexual energy, it was always there. It was my intuition Spirit needed me to reconnect with, rely on and depend on. A Shaman without a strong intuition is dead in the water. Your intuition is your connection to The Divine. It is the Sixth Sense we are being asked to manifest physically at this time like we do the other five. It heralds the evolution of man and return to the Original Blueprint of the Creator. I recognise and acknowledge the duality of our world. You cannot create Light without Dark, but the importance is in maintaining balance. This is the work of a Shaman. I can be arrogant, yet humble. I can be greedy, yet generous. I can be lustful, yet loving. I am Shadow and Light, two sides of One coin.Yin and Yang. Empath and Narcissist...but one may not have power over the other...A Shaman is one who knows how the world works and endeavors to bring balance to not only his life, but the lives of others.
This is my story, my journey....MY POWER! and I'm stepping into it!!!
God Bless Us All!
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #theonlysonoflove #thespiritoftruth #warrior #shaman #thematrixisreal #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #treeoflife #consciousness
Sunday 11 August 2019
Sunday 17 June 2018
Tsotsi
During my New Year trip to Thailand this year, and visiting three Sacred Sites within the first two days of being there, I made the decision to return to the New Apostolic Church and affirm my faith and belief in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. I made the commitment to also consecrate the affirmation by again being Baptised. I needed to cleanse my Spirit and Soul, and bare public witness to the new clean slate that I undertook to live in God's presence. Having endured the trauma of the previous year and the demonic attack I suffered, it was the proof I needed of the power of my Soul, and the existence of forces hell bent on destroying it. Being a son of love, it strengthened my resolve that the battle for love is real, and as a warrior of God, I needed to join His ranks and take up the fight for His children.
I had my Baptism two weeks ago on 3 June. The Holy Water on my forehead had barely dried and the demonic attacks began again in earnest. Within a week I had lost a long standing client, which put me in a financially compromising position. I received a bill from my telephone company which was double my normal monthly bill, exacerbating my financial position, and to top the week off my scooter broke down. Yes, you read that right. I ride a scooter to and from work. It goes on the smell of a fuel rag, and I don't have a monthly excessive hire purchase repayment for a car. I've owned a superbike, 4x4, cabriolet and various coupes in my life, but the scooter is by far the most fun I've had with a vehicle.
On my way home last Friday a week ago, the bloody thing ran out of power. I don't live too far from work, so decided to push it home. It was lunch time and a brisk winters day, so I was thankful it happened during the day and not at night. Quite close to home a guy on another bike stopped next to me to inquire as to what was wrong and offered his assistance to fix the scooter. I thought it was a stroke of luck, and agreed to his quote in getting the scooter up and running again. He pitched at my house an hour later as agreed and proceeded to get on with the job at hand.
So Frank the mechanic seemed to know what he was doing, although as with all problems, it was not as quick a solution as he had originally made it out to be. I knew he had under quoted, but was still hoping for it to be fixed on the cheap. Cut a long story short, he worked on it at my place on the Saturday and Sunday, but was nowhere near getting it fixed. So he told me Sunday afternoon, he needed to take it to a friends workshop down the road and fix it there. I was so frustrated with things in my life that out of exasperation I agreed, and as I have another scooter, I told him to take the other one too, as it also needed repair. So Frank and a friend of his left my home on Sunday afternoon last week with both of my scooters.
I called Frank on Monday and Tuesday this week and he'd answered his cell on both days. He had told me that I would have the scooters back the Wednesday and I was unconcerned. Wednesday came and his phone was off. All calls went straight to voicemail. That's when it dawned on me that I did not have the address of the workshop he had taken them to, nor did I have his home address. I had been so preoccupied and stressed the weekend, that in my absentmindedness I did not get relevant information from him. The cold hard truth that he'd stolen the scooters under pretense hit home. Frank was a tstotsi!!!! (Tstosi in South Africa is a criminal, hoodlum etc.) To say I was fucked off with myself for being so fucking stupid is an understatement. I resigned myself to the fact that I would never see my scooters again, and that I would have to make a plan to buy another asap. Yet again, I would learn a valuable expensive lesson in that I trust too easily, and cheap is as cheap does.
Wednesday afternoon I still had no word from Frank so I decided I would need to report them stolen to the police. When Frank took the scooters he'd told me he was taking them to the car wash across the road, so on my way to the police station, I thought I'd pop past the car wash and see if anyone saw in which direction they went, or if anyone would even remember them. The guys at the car wash could not or would not say anything. I tried at the petrol garage on the same lot, and mercifully one guy remembered the pair. The attendant who remembered, told me that the guys came by regularly and I asked him to call me as soon as he saw them, and I offered him a cash reward for any information that led to me recovering the scooters. I left and never gave it another thought. I got to the police station late Wednesday afternoon, and was told to rather return the following morning when all staff would be present. This is how things work in Africa.
I went to work on Thursday morning not in the best of moods. It was cold and I was fucking miserable. By 10am there was still no word from Frank, and his cell was still going directly to voicemail. I arrived at the police station at around 10:30am and opened a case of theft. While I was giving my affidavit, my cell rang. It was the petrol attendant and he told me the guys I were looking for were around. I told him I'd finish with the docket and be there as soon as I could. On my way to the petrol station I received confirmation of the case I had just opened at the police station via SMS. I got to the petrol station and the petrol attendant pointed out a truck which Frank and his friend had loaded my scooters onto. I walked up to the driver and asked him about the incident and if he remembered anything. To my relief and complete surprise, he remembered everything and even knew the address he took them to. I offered him a substantial reward if he took me to the address and helped me recover my stolen property. He agreed and so the hunt was on. I climbed into the truck and we headed into the centre of Johannesburg.
He took me straight to the apartment building he dropped Frank and my scooters off at on the Sunday they had taken them. I entered the secure apartment building and inquired with the security guards if they remembered anything. As with all informants, information is only given if something is to be gained. Money it seems gets anyone to sing like a canary, and it was confirmed that indeed my scooters were on the property. Unfortunately the security guard told me I would need police presence to recover my stolen goods. I had a friend at the police station where I reported the crime who I promptly called for help, and he suggested I call the Flying Squad(our equivalent of 911). I was waiting outside the building for the police response and saw another police van a block away, so I decided to get their attention as they were closer. They returned with me, but as the call had already gone out to the Flying Squad they waited with me for them to arrive, which they did within 20 minutes. In Africa, 20 minutes response time is almost the speed of light, so I was floored by how quickly they responded.
I walked back into Frank's apartment building with six police officers behind me in full response kit - bullet proof vests and assault rifles! The poor security guard stood no chance of denying entry, and as I had been provided a valid case number the police were legally entitled to enter. The security guard led us down to the parking basement, where low and behold there were my two scooters. I could positively identify them as I had the registration papers for them on me. The police attached them and called for a tow truck to secure them in the police impound. I had gotten my fucking scooters back!!! Living in South Africa, getting anything stolen back is a miracle. Vehicles are stripped and gone faster than you can blink. Even the police officers present where shocked that I had managed to track down and locate them.
I can only attribute my success in their recovery to the power of God being demonstrated in my life. The firm belief that no negative energy formed against me will prosper was proven true. I now have gnosis that God has it handled and I have trust in His timing and protection. Through all the tests Ive been through, God has strengthened me. My fighting spirit endures because of Him...and because of Him I live in hope and love. I pray that Gods fortune keeps smiling on me and that as it does, I share His power with you.
God Bless us All!
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
I had my Baptism two weeks ago on 3 June. The Holy Water on my forehead had barely dried and the demonic attacks began again in earnest. Within a week I had lost a long standing client, which put me in a financially compromising position. I received a bill from my telephone company which was double my normal monthly bill, exacerbating my financial position, and to top the week off my scooter broke down. Yes, you read that right. I ride a scooter to and from work. It goes on the smell of a fuel rag, and I don't have a monthly excessive hire purchase repayment for a car. I've owned a superbike, 4x4, cabriolet and various coupes in my life, but the scooter is by far the most fun I've had with a vehicle.
On my way home last Friday a week ago, the bloody thing ran out of power. I don't live too far from work, so decided to push it home. It was lunch time and a brisk winters day, so I was thankful it happened during the day and not at night. Quite close to home a guy on another bike stopped next to me to inquire as to what was wrong and offered his assistance to fix the scooter. I thought it was a stroke of luck, and agreed to his quote in getting the scooter up and running again. He pitched at my house an hour later as agreed and proceeded to get on with the job at hand.
So Frank the mechanic seemed to know what he was doing, although as with all problems, it was not as quick a solution as he had originally made it out to be. I knew he had under quoted, but was still hoping for it to be fixed on the cheap. Cut a long story short, he worked on it at my place on the Saturday and Sunday, but was nowhere near getting it fixed. So he told me Sunday afternoon, he needed to take it to a friends workshop down the road and fix it there. I was so frustrated with things in my life that out of exasperation I agreed, and as I have another scooter, I told him to take the other one too, as it also needed repair. So Frank and a friend of his left my home on Sunday afternoon last week with both of my scooters.
I called Frank on Monday and Tuesday this week and he'd answered his cell on both days. He had told me that I would have the scooters back the Wednesday and I was unconcerned. Wednesday came and his phone was off. All calls went straight to voicemail. That's when it dawned on me that I did not have the address of the workshop he had taken them to, nor did I have his home address. I had been so preoccupied and stressed the weekend, that in my absentmindedness I did not get relevant information from him. The cold hard truth that he'd stolen the scooters under pretense hit home. Frank was a tstotsi!!!! (Tstosi in South Africa is a criminal, hoodlum etc.) To say I was fucked off with myself for being so fucking stupid is an understatement. I resigned myself to the fact that I would never see my scooters again, and that I would have to make a plan to buy another asap. Yet again, I would learn a valuable expensive lesson in that I trust too easily, and cheap is as cheap does.
Wednesday afternoon I still had no word from Frank so I decided I would need to report them stolen to the police. When Frank took the scooters he'd told me he was taking them to the car wash across the road, so on my way to the police station, I thought I'd pop past the car wash and see if anyone saw in which direction they went, or if anyone would even remember them. The guys at the car wash could not or would not say anything. I tried at the petrol garage on the same lot, and mercifully one guy remembered the pair. The attendant who remembered, told me that the guys came by regularly and I asked him to call me as soon as he saw them, and I offered him a cash reward for any information that led to me recovering the scooters. I left and never gave it another thought. I got to the police station late Wednesday afternoon, and was told to rather return the following morning when all staff would be present. This is how things work in Africa.
I went to work on Thursday morning not in the best of moods. It was cold and I was fucking miserable. By 10am there was still no word from Frank, and his cell was still going directly to voicemail. I arrived at the police station at around 10:30am and opened a case of theft. While I was giving my affidavit, my cell rang. It was the petrol attendant and he told me the guys I were looking for were around. I told him I'd finish with the docket and be there as soon as I could. On my way to the petrol station I received confirmation of the case I had just opened at the police station via SMS. I got to the petrol station and the petrol attendant pointed out a truck which Frank and his friend had loaded my scooters onto. I walked up to the driver and asked him about the incident and if he remembered anything. To my relief and complete surprise, he remembered everything and even knew the address he took them to. I offered him a substantial reward if he took me to the address and helped me recover my stolen property. He agreed and so the hunt was on. I climbed into the truck and we headed into the centre of Johannesburg.
He took me straight to the apartment building he dropped Frank and my scooters off at on the Sunday they had taken them. I entered the secure apartment building and inquired with the security guards if they remembered anything. As with all informants, information is only given if something is to be gained. Money it seems gets anyone to sing like a canary, and it was confirmed that indeed my scooters were on the property. Unfortunately the security guard told me I would need police presence to recover my stolen goods. I had a friend at the police station where I reported the crime who I promptly called for help, and he suggested I call the Flying Squad(our equivalent of 911). I was waiting outside the building for the police response and saw another police van a block away, so I decided to get their attention as they were closer. They returned with me, but as the call had already gone out to the Flying Squad they waited with me for them to arrive, which they did within 20 minutes. In Africa, 20 minutes response time is almost the speed of light, so I was floored by how quickly they responded.
I walked back into Frank's apartment building with six police officers behind me in full response kit - bullet proof vests and assault rifles! The poor security guard stood no chance of denying entry, and as I had been provided a valid case number the police were legally entitled to enter. The security guard led us down to the parking basement, where low and behold there were my two scooters. I could positively identify them as I had the registration papers for them on me. The police attached them and called for a tow truck to secure them in the police impound. I had gotten my fucking scooters back!!! Living in South Africa, getting anything stolen back is a miracle. Vehicles are stripped and gone faster than you can blink. Even the police officers present where shocked that I had managed to track down and locate them.
I can only attribute my success in their recovery to the power of God being demonstrated in my life. The firm belief that no negative energy formed against me will prosper was proven true. I now have gnosis that God has it handled and I have trust in His timing and protection. Through all the tests Ive been through, God has strengthened me. My fighting spirit endures because of Him...and because of Him I live in hope and love. I pray that Gods fortune keeps smiling on me and that as it does, I share His power with you.
God Bless us All!
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
Sunday 8 April 2018
Mother Aya
All roads lead to Rome. All roads lead to God.
I began my preparation for the Ayahuasca Ceremony last Easter Sunday. Having eaten only fish and vegetables that Holy weekend, I cut all meat, dairy and spices from my diet, eating fresh fruit and vegetables, and using fresh herbs, and drinking spring water and fruit juices. This was a process to detoxify and cleanse the body to optimise the effect Mother Aya would have. It is also a Spiritual commitment and dedication shown to Mother, with reverence, humbleness and respect that you bow to the presence of God. Your sacrifice is necessary to enable Spirit to commune with you, and when you consider who Spirit is, it is the very least one can do.
I had no idea what was to happen going into the ceremony. I had read some people's accounts of their experiences, which were awe inspiring, and in others I was told nothing happened. There are no guarantees, as is in life, that you will get what you want, so I went into the Sacred Place with no expectations. The Space is set vibrationally high. Mats on the floor in a semi-circle with an altar in the centre, where the healer sits. Blessings are said and given to heart, mind and Spirit, before the Aya is taken. Candles dance shadows on the walls and chanting music sets the tone. Having taken my first cup I relaxed into my space on my mat, covered in a blanket and waited.
My mind raced, filled with emotion. My monkey mind was out of control, heart was pounding. I felt nothing for some time. Actually thought that I had been conned. That was to be short lived. I felt a tingling in my body, I began to feel heavy, my vision began to distort. I closed my eyes and BAM! The light show hit the fan. The colours and patterns were cosmic. I was plugged into the Universe's fibre optic and the kaleidoscope was magnificent. I sensed that my subconscious mind was downloading data that only it understood. Things at this stage remained mild, I hadn't like most of the others began to vomit, as is customary when taking in Ayahuasca.
The second cup was offered to the souls present, and I obliged. Again I went back to my space and drank spring water. The music, drumming and chanting began to take me deeper. The colours and patterns gathered pace and intensified. I could feel a knot in the depths of my bowels forming. A pain and ache that was making me gag. It was like something foreign that was within me had to be expelled, but the release was fought against. It did not want to leave. It started with nothing, one or two lurches of the gut, but that which was within me refused. It wanted to stay. Eventually it succumbed and I released into my bucket. This was going to be done in layers. Just when you thought it was over, more would come. The heat in the room began to rise. The light show intensified and my soul began to sing. Deeper I went, hurling more. I felt the poison I ingested in my lifetime leave me. I felt Mother Earth calling me back to my natural state. I had to go outside and vomit on the earth. I had to release my pain unto Her and thank Her. Being on all fours, on the soft wet green grass, under the stars, and with the mess that was before me, I understood the harm and damage humanity had inflicted upon her. Humbly and with shame, I gave thanks for all She had, and is, carrying and enduring.
I went back inside, lay down and the tears began to well, as angel lights filled my eyes. I heard Her call me deeper. To release all that was unnatural. That is when I took my shirt off. The layers of conditioning and programing began to be shed. This was to be done in layers. There was to be more hurling, more content to expel as I got closer to the Divinity of my soul. With each item of clothing removed the kaleidoscope became more glorious, the chanting and singing of my soul more profound. I have never felt more at peace and in love as I did in that moment. I saw the energy in its magnificence that is to be grounded to Gaia. The beauty and splendour of it, that words literally fail me, and somewhere in all this grand plan, I was to play my part. It was Eden.
I was still lying on the mat, heart and soul ringing out to the Universe, calling for the New Dawn. I only had my underwear on at this stage. Intuitively I knew that for the Dawn to be made manifest, I would have to rise and stand naked before Spirit. To be as He created in the Garden. I was overcome though by my own shyness, and I began to laugh at my shame that I had held onto for so long. I was summoned to rise and stand before God, as He had originally intended, without embarrassment or self-consciousness to be present. To be authentic and true. I was to own who I am, to claim it. With humility before The Universe I rose hands stretched out, naked. I was King. I stood gloriously in His presence, unashamedly in my complete natural state of being. No judgement. With all my faults and flaws I was loved. I felt honour and respect within myslef that I have not felt in this lifetime. Love of self the magnitude of I am still processing.
Suddenly I felt weak, my knees wanting to buckle. I felt exhaustion come over me. I crouched down, weakness taking hold. The devil came to me and asked that I cover myself for the sake of the other souls present. I complied, but for a very short time. I was not going to be denied my natural state for the concern of others. I uncovered and stood again, defiant. Again the devil came to me, insisting that I cover myself. I refused. If those present were offended then they were the ones who were going to have to leave, he would have to use physical force to get me to comply, and I warned him against such action. The devil changed tactic and tried to use self-guilt as a way to get me to obey. I looked at him in his black demonic eyes, raised both middle fingers to his face and shouted "FUCK YOU! You are done here! You are unnecessary, you are forsaken. I send you to the darkness, the void, the eternal nothing where you belong. This is my time, my Gaia and you will have no foothold here. Be gone!"
Peace came over me. My attention was focused on a woman on the floor, crying out in agony and ecstasy. In that moment she was Eve, and I Adam. The temptation of the apple was being put before me. I was becoming confused and conflicted. We were expressly told that no body contact with others in the Sacred Space was allowed. This was also a place in my mind I had not prepared for. None of it was. It was a barrier that I could not cross. The gravity of the choice was monumental. I stood firm in my decision not to take of the apple and thankfully the healer present understood where I was was in that moment. The journey could not continue. I needed to apply brakes and settle myself.
All souls present needed to give account of their experiences in closing the ceremony. One by one we shared what had happened and what we feel changed within us. I had come to see and understand my Divinity before God. I had come to accpet me for who I am. To love myself for being me. For having strength and courage to stare down the devil. To be proud of having stood naked before God in the Garden. As with anything Spiritual, you are always seeking. I know and understand that this experience will change the trajectory of my life and be reflected in the choices I make in living my life. I have come to understand one thing though, LOVE will conquer all.
I thank God, His Universe and the souls present for allowing me to have this experience and for allowing me to share it with you. I hope that we all make the choice to vibrate higher and become our authentic selves, by doing so we will heal oursleves, others, and Gaia.
God Bless us All!
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
I began my preparation for the Ayahuasca Ceremony last Easter Sunday. Having eaten only fish and vegetables that Holy weekend, I cut all meat, dairy and spices from my diet, eating fresh fruit and vegetables, and using fresh herbs, and drinking spring water and fruit juices. This was a process to detoxify and cleanse the body to optimise the effect Mother Aya would have. It is also a Spiritual commitment and dedication shown to Mother, with reverence, humbleness and respect that you bow to the presence of God. Your sacrifice is necessary to enable Spirit to commune with you, and when you consider who Spirit is, it is the very least one can do.
I had no idea what was to happen going into the ceremony. I had read some people's accounts of their experiences, which were awe inspiring, and in others I was told nothing happened. There are no guarantees, as is in life, that you will get what you want, so I went into the Sacred Place with no expectations. The Space is set vibrationally high. Mats on the floor in a semi-circle with an altar in the centre, where the healer sits. Blessings are said and given to heart, mind and Spirit, before the Aya is taken. Candles dance shadows on the walls and chanting music sets the tone. Having taken my first cup I relaxed into my space on my mat, covered in a blanket and waited.
My mind raced, filled with emotion. My monkey mind was out of control, heart was pounding. I felt nothing for some time. Actually thought that I had been conned. That was to be short lived. I felt a tingling in my body, I began to feel heavy, my vision began to distort. I closed my eyes and BAM! The light show hit the fan. The colours and patterns were cosmic. I was plugged into the Universe's fibre optic and the kaleidoscope was magnificent. I sensed that my subconscious mind was downloading data that only it understood. Things at this stage remained mild, I hadn't like most of the others began to vomit, as is customary when taking in Ayahuasca.
The second cup was offered to the souls present, and I obliged. Again I went back to my space and drank spring water. The music, drumming and chanting began to take me deeper. The colours and patterns gathered pace and intensified. I could feel a knot in the depths of my bowels forming. A pain and ache that was making me gag. It was like something foreign that was within me had to be expelled, but the release was fought against. It did not want to leave. It started with nothing, one or two lurches of the gut, but that which was within me refused. It wanted to stay. Eventually it succumbed and I released into my bucket. This was going to be done in layers. Just when you thought it was over, more would come. The heat in the room began to rise. The light show intensified and my soul began to sing. Deeper I went, hurling more. I felt the poison I ingested in my lifetime leave me. I felt Mother Earth calling me back to my natural state. I had to go outside and vomit on the earth. I had to release my pain unto Her and thank Her. Being on all fours, on the soft wet green grass, under the stars, and with the mess that was before me, I understood the harm and damage humanity had inflicted upon her. Humbly and with shame, I gave thanks for all She had, and is, carrying and enduring.
I went back inside, lay down and the tears began to well, as angel lights filled my eyes. I heard Her call me deeper. To release all that was unnatural. That is when I took my shirt off. The layers of conditioning and programing began to be shed. This was to be done in layers. There was to be more hurling, more content to expel as I got closer to the Divinity of my soul. With each item of clothing removed the kaleidoscope became more glorious, the chanting and singing of my soul more profound. I have never felt more at peace and in love as I did in that moment. I saw the energy in its magnificence that is to be grounded to Gaia. The beauty and splendour of it, that words literally fail me, and somewhere in all this grand plan, I was to play my part. It was Eden.
I was still lying on the mat, heart and soul ringing out to the Universe, calling for the New Dawn. I only had my underwear on at this stage. Intuitively I knew that for the Dawn to be made manifest, I would have to rise and stand naked before Spirit. To be as He created in the Garden. I was overcome though by my own shyness, and I began to laugh at my shame that I had held onto for so long. I was summoned to rise and stand before God, as He had originally intended, without embarrassment or self-consciousness to be present. To be authentic and true. I was to own who I am, to claim it. With humility before The Universe I rose hands stretched out, naked. I was King. I stood gloriously in His presence, unashamedly in my complete natural state of being. No judgement. With all my faults and flaws I was loved. I felt honour and respect within myslef that I have not felt in this lifetime. Love of self the magnitude of I am still processing.
Suddenly I felt weak, my knees wanting to buckle. I felt exhaustion come over me. I crouched down, weakness taking hold. The devil came to me and asked that I cover myself for the sake of the other souls present. I complied, but for a very short time. I was not going to be denied my natural state for the concern of others. I uncovered and stood again, defiant. Again the devil came to me, insisting that I cover myself. I refused. If those present were offended then they were the ones who were going to have to leave, he would have to use physical force to get me to comply, and I warned him against such action. The devil changed tactic and tried to use self-guilt as a way to get me to obey. I looked at him in his black demonic eyes, raised both middle fingers to his face and shouted "FUCK YOU! You are done here! You are unnecessary, you are forsaken. I send you to the darkness, the void, the eternal nothing where you belong. This is my time, my Gaia and you will have no foothold here. Be gone!"
Peace came over me. My attention was focused on a woman on the floor, crying out in agony and ecstasy. In that moment she was Eve, and I Adam. The temptation of the apple was being put before me. I was becoming confused and conflicted. We were expressly told that no body contact with others in the Sacred Space was allowed. This was also a place in my mind I had not prepared for. None of it was. It was a barrier that I could not cross. The gravity of the choice was monumental. I stood firm in my decision not to take of the apple and thankfully the healer present understood where I was was in that moment. The journey could not continue. I needed to apply brakes and settle myself.
All souls present needed to give account of their experiences in closing the ceremony. One by one we shared what had happened and what we feel changed within us. I had come to see and understand my Divinity before God. I had come to accpet me for who I am. To love myself for being me. For having strength and courage to stare down the devil. To be proud of having stood naked before God in the Garden. As with anything Spiritual, you are always seeking. I know and understand that this experience will change the trajectory of my life and be reflected in the choices I make in living my life. I have come to understand one thing though, LOVE will conquer all.
I thank God, His Universe and the souls present for allowing me to have this experience and for allowing me to share it with you. I hope that we all make the choice to vibrate higher and become our authentic selves, by doing so we will heal oursleves, others, and Gaia.
God Bless us All!
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
Friday 30 March 2018
Iscariot
Judas. The traitor. The betrayer. One of the most vilified, hated and condemned men in all of Christendom. Contentious and controversial. However we look at him, we have to concede he was necessary, if not essential. But why was he necessary? And why was it Judas specifically who had to perpetrate the most heinous crime against the Son of God? With a kiss on the cheek, and 30 pieces of silver in his pocket, he sealed Jesus's fate to the Cross. We are led to believe that this event in the story of the Passion, was the catalyst that set events in motion for Jesus to secure the Salvation of Man. It was a mere stepping stone, a formality that needed to happen for something greater to occur. A mere bump in the road and nothing more. What if it was something greater and more important than we realise? What if it was actually meant to be the end....Jesus's end? What if the betrayal was supposed to have precipitated Jesus's suicide?
Judas was one of the original 12 apostles. By all accounts he was a back-bench apostle. A common low life thief, basically the weakest link who, because of his character, filled the roll of betrayer perfectly. Jesus correctly prophesied it would be him and we have accepted the prophecy based on the character of Judas. He was apparently not very admired as the rest and as proof, is always listed last when the apostles are named in the Canonical books of the Bible. What if the exact opposite is true? What if Judas was the most important, trusted and loved apostle? The Book of Judas, a Non Canonical book, suggests that this was in fact the case. Was this the real reason it was omitted from the Canonical Bible we know? The Book of Judas states that Judas was the only apostle to be taught the true teachings of Jesus. If he was more important to Jesus than we have previously acknowledged, then it changes the dynamic of the betrayal and how we have come to understand its significance.
The betrayal of Jesus becomes significant in that for the first time, as a human, he would have felt emotional pain being inflicted upon him by one of his own. For that emotional pain to be severe, it would have to have been done by someone held in his high regard, greatest esteem and be dearly loved. Jesus would come to know and understand first hand intimately the pain of being betrayed and its effect on the emotional state of a human. This is what he came to heal, the emotional state of humanity. He could not have healed emotional pain with only physical. In being betrayed he would come to feel disappointment, sorrow, anger, despair, angst, rage, hate, all the negative aspects of the human emotional spectrum. He would have come to see these negative emotional vibrations pervasive throughout humanity. If you have ever been betrayed, you know the anguish it causes and creates. Jesus, being human, would have experienced the same effect. Having had a dagger penetrate his heart, he would have seen the daggers in everyone else's. The devastation of what He saw emotionally could have dragged Him to the brink. It could have overwhelmed him, and been too much for one man to bear. At least I think that is what the devil would have wanted. The devil would have used the betrayal to break Jesus emotionally, and thus prevent the salvation of man from happening.
When we heal ourselves, we heal others. Jesus was to take the negative emotional condition of all humanity on His shoulders and take it to The Cross, for it to be healed Spiritually. Instead of becoming overwhelmed by the betrayal, He became a Mighty Fortress to fight for the Salvation of Man and stand against the wickedness and evil in the world. To take His own emotional human pain as a token for all of mankind's, He surrendered it to God so that we may live eternally. Instead of having the betrayal break Him, as it does to so many of us, it galvanised Him. It fortified Him, strengthened His resolve, gave Him the conviction of God to sacrifice His life, so that in His release, so too was our sin and the pain it inflicts upon us. He took all the accumulation of negativity in the world with Him to Calvary, He healed us emotionally and spiritually. He did so with bravery and passion, for the Love He has for His Children, and for this we are always Blessed and grateful.
I have taken solace in Him, in dealing with my own betrayal. At the end of 2016, beginning 2017, I was hungry for love. The devil saw this as a perfect opportunity to present himself as an all you can eat buffet, and I was so blinded by love that I ate like there was no tomorrow. The idiom, a hungry heart eats many lies, rings too true in my case. I thought God had answered my prayers and sent the love of my life. Instead it was the devil masquerading as love. With everything the devil does, the enchantment does not hold and soon enough the spell began to lift. When I looked at what was being served up with true eyes, I saw decay, rotting, putrid and repugnant, worms and maggots, soiled and infected, sickness and decrepitude. I felt revulsion to the core of my being. I am a loving, sensitive, sensual, strong, passionate kind lover. The devil, as is his nature, wanted to feel violated, abused, he wanted aggression, to be made to feel used and worthless, like the psycho whore he is. He needed to feel like he was being raped, something that had happened to him when he was a child. While professing his undying love to me, he was giving me sleeping pills, tranquilizers, GHB, anything in his tool box bar the cast iron frying pan, to knock me out at night so he could fornicate in my lounge with other men. When the truth of his actions began to be revealed, he ran like the coward he is, trying to blame me for his insidious actions. A month after he fled, he sent a minion to pay me a visit. The minion's visit was short lived, but the purpose of it was to belittle me by stealing a shirt the devil had given me with the word "Alpha" written on it.
If the devils interpretation of the word Alpha is force, abuse, violence, aggression or degradation, then I pity him. Alpha is strong, protective, loving, inspirational and a provider. In taking the shirt, the devil and his minion tried to diminish me, make me feel inadequate. By trying to invert everything I am, they tried to make me feel as worthless as they are. Almost made me contemplate taking my own life. This is the reason why I wondered if in Jesus' own betrayal, if He contemplated the same action. In coming to terms with the betrayal, I like Jesus, was confronted on a deep and brutal level, by the evil and wickedness that exists in the world. If I was asked, like Jesus did, to lay down my life and remove all the wickedness and evil from the world so that no child would endure such, would I? The answer would be without hesitation and unequivocally, YES!! Now that to me is being Alpha. Bearing that in mind, I sent the devil and his darkness a message - "You will know justice by my hand. I will not send a messenger. You fucked with the wrong guy. God have mercy on you!"
The betrayal instead of breaking me, has made me.It has ignited an inferno in me so huge and vast that even God himself is trembling. It has brought me back to who and what I am, and why I am here. I am a Warrior and Manifestor of God's Light, a child of the Devine Feminine. I came to raise the vibration, and level of consciousness on this planet, by anchoring my frequency to it. I too have become a Mighty Fortress, I will stand against evil and wickedness with conviction and determination. With strength of purpose, courage of heart and wisdom of mind, I will fulfill my life mission.
I implore every man, woman and child alive to find God's path, to accept Jesus Christ as your Saviour, like our brothers and sisters at the Mighty Fortress Church, and claim Salvation in Jesus' name.
God Bless You All!
PS: These are my own thoughts expressed and do not need to be proved or disproved. Just me sharing what goes on in my mind.
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
Judas was one of the original 12 apostles. By all accounts he was a back-bench apostle. A common low life thief, basically the weakest link who, because of his character, filled the roll of betrayer perfectly. Jesus correctly prophesied it would be him and we have accepted the prophecy based on the character of Judas. He was apparently not very admired as the rest and as proof, is always listed last when the apostles are named in the Canonical books of the Bible. What if the exact opposite is true? What if Judas was the most important, trusted and loved apostle? The Book of Judas, a Non Canonical book, suggests that this was in fact the case. Was this the real reason it was omitted from the Canonical Bible we know? The Book of Judas states that Judas was the only apostle to be taught the true teachings of Jesus. If he was more important to Jesus than we have previously acknowledged, then it changes the dynamic of the betrayal and how we have come to understand its significance.
The betrayal of Jesus becomes significant in that for the first time, as a human, he would have felt emotional pain being inflicted upon him by one of his own. For that emotional pain to be severe, it would have to have been done by someone held in his high regard, greatest esteem and be dearly loved. Jesus would come to know and understand first hand intimately the pain of being betrayed and its effect on the emotional state of a human. This is what he came to heal, the emotional state of humanity. He could not have healed emotional pain with only physical. In being betrayed he would come to feel disappointment, sorrow, anger, despair, angst, rage, hate, all the negative aspects of the human emotional spectrum. He would have come to see these negative emotional vibrations pervasive throughout humanity. If you have ever been betrayed, you know the anguish it causes and creates. Jesus, being human, would have experienced the same effect. Having had a dagger penetrate his heart, he would have seen the daggers in everyone else's. The devastation of what He saw emotionally could have dragged Him to the brink. It could have overwhelmed him, and been too much for one man to bear. At least I think that is what the devil would have wanted. The devil would have used the betrayal to break Jesus emotionally, and thus prevent the salvation of man from happening.
When we heal ourselves, we heal others. Jesus was to take the negative emotional condition of all humanity on His shoulders and take it to The Cross, for it to be healed Spiritually. Instead of becoming overwhelmed by the betrayal, He became a Mighty Fortress to fight for the Salvation of Man and stand against the wickedness and evil in the world. To take His own emotional human pain as a token for all of mankind's, He surrendered it to God so that we may live eternally. Instead of having the betrayal break Him, as it does to so many of us, it galvanised Him. It fortified Him, strengthened His resolve, gave Him the conviction of God to sacrifice His life, so that in His release, so too was our sin and the pain it inflicts upon us. He took all the accumulation of negativity in the world with Him to Calvary, He healed us emotionally and spiritually. He did so with bravery and passion, for the Love He has for His Children, and for this we are always Blessed and grateful.
I have taken solace in Him, in dealing with my own betrayal. At the end of 2016, beginning 2017, I was hungry for love. The devil saw this as a perfect opportunity to present himself as an all you can eat buffet, and I was so blinded by love that I ate like there was no tomorrow. The idiom, a hungry heart eats many lies, rings too true in my case. I thought God had answered my prayers and sent the love of my life. Instead it was the devil masquerading as love. With everything the devil does, the enchantment does not hold and soon enough the spell began to lift. When I looked at what was being served up with true eyes, I saw decay, rotting, putrid and repugnant, worms and maggots, soiled and infected, sickness and decrepitude. I felt revulsion to the core of my being. I am a loving, sensitive, sensual, strong, passionate kind lover. The devil, as is his nature, wanted to feel violated, abused, he wanted aggression, to be made to feel used and worthless, like the psycho whore he is. He needed to feel like he was being raped, something that had happened to him when he was a child. While professing his undying love to me, he was giving me sleeping pills, tranquilizers, GHB, anything in his tool box bar the cast iron frying pan, to knock me out at night so he could fornicate in my lounge with other men. When the truth of his actions began to be revealed, he ran like the coward he is, trying to blame me for his insidious actions. A month after he fled, he sent a minion to pay me a visit. The minion's visit was short lived, but the purpose of it was to belittle me by stealing a shirt the devil had given me with the word "Alpha" written on it.
If the devils interpretation of the word Alpha is force, abuse, violence, aggression or degradation, then I pity him. Alpha is strong, protective, loving, inspirational and a provider. In taking the shirt, the devil and his minion tried to diminish me, make me feel inadequate. By trying to invert everything I am, they tried to make me feel as worthless as they are. Almost made me contemplate taking my own life. This is the reason why I wondered if in Jesus' own betrayal, if He contemplated the same action. In coming to terms with the betrayal, I like Jesus, was confronted on a deep and brutal level, by the evil and wickedness that exists in the world. If I was asked, like Jesus did, to lay down my life and remove all the wickedness and evil from the world so that no child would endure such, would I? The answer would be without hesitation and unequivocally, YES!! Now that to me is being Alpha. Bearing that in mind, I sent the devil and his darkness a message - "You will know justice by my hand. I will not send a messenger. You fucked with the wrong guy. God have mercy on you!"
The betrayal instead of breaking me, has made me.It has ignited an inferno in me so huge and vast that even God himself is trembling. It has brought me back to who and what I am, and why I am here. I am a Warrior and Manifestor of God's Light, a child of the Devine Feminine. I came to raise the vibration, and level of consciousness on this planet, by anchoring my frequency to it. I too have become a Mighty Fortress, I will stand against evil and wickedness with conviction and determination. With strength of purpose, courage of heart and wisdom of mind, I will fulfill my life mission.
I implore every man, woman and child alive to find God's path, to accept Jesus Christ as your Saviour, like our brothers and sisters at the Mighty Fortress Church, and claim Salvation in Jesus' name.
God Bless You All!
PS: These are my own thoughts expressed and do not need to be proved or disproved. Just me sharing what goes on in my mind.
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
Saturday 17 March 2018
Spirit of Truth
My Spiritual Awakening occurred in 2012. It was my own apocalypse, a death of self and rebirth. The Spirit of Truth lifted the veil and gave me eyes to see the world as it truly is. It catapulted me onto a path of truth and discovery, for not just of who I am, why I am here, but why the world is the way it is. I came to know and understand the matrix we all live in. I lived Enlightened for 3 years after I had come into knowledge, however the burden of such and the lack of progress I thought I was making in my life, and that of others, began to wear me down. I, like Cypher, went back to sleep....I had become despondent, filled with despair, disillusioned, confused and thus, ultimately - lost. I discarded what had been revealed to me as fiction.
My spiritual depression was to take me back to the gates of hell. At the end of 2016 I was contemplating suicide. The futility of life and its seemingly meaningless existence brought me to my knees. I knew my HIV was taking a turn for the worse. I was suffering frequent bouts of oral thrush, other fungal outbreaks, and at my worst ebb I had been diagnosed with pneumonia. I had decided to help nature along and help my immune system crash. I did not want to start taking ARV's, instead I was using heavy amounts of recreational drugs, crystal meth was drug of choice, injecting steroids and boozing all the while dealing with my pneumonia. It was a low point from which I saw no light. I was alone and trapped in my own darkness.
I was only shaken awake by my clients, I'm a Personal Trainer by profession, and it was only on their insistence that I make a difference and am valued and needed in their lives, that I decided to turn the tide and begin ARV treatment. My CD4 count had dropped to 204 by the time I took the decision to medicate. However, I had not stopped my boozing or recreational drug use. I was for all intents and purposes still immersed in the matrix and it was going to take an earthquake in my life to wake me the fuck up again. Back in 2012 the Spirit of Truth had warned me that should I get involved, I would be hurt by such involvement. It was not so much a warning as it was a foretelling, and I would find that out the hard way.
From when the Spirit of Truth visited me that fateful night in October of 2012, I embarked on a voyage of awakening. I cleansed and purged my life of all negativity as far and wide as I could. I did as much self work as I thought was necessary, but as mentioned before, did not see the fruits of my labour. I had been single and celibate for 4 years and it was the loneliness and isolation from the world, that set me on a path of depression. Having come out of suicidal mode at the end of 2016, I decided that I was ready for a relationship in 2017. I felt renewed enough within myself to look for a life partner to love and be loved in return. I was to put the Spirit of Truth to the test and see if what I had been shown held water. As events of last year unfolded and have proved, it did.
The purpose of last year was to break me, to harden me. To use my strengths against me and shut me down. To make me never love myself or anyone else ever again. It was meant to damage me beyond repair. After having been so close to the edge of suicide, it was to be the final shove I had been hoping and looking for. It was to be my end. But it wasn't. Its done exactly the opposite. Through my healing and introspection, it has brought me back into The Light. It has emboldened me, strengthened me, reaffirmed and anchored me. What was to be my end, has become my beginning. Stepping into my power of Love, the gift that God has given me, my highest vibration, I am starting my journey of self mastery.
I have come to anchor my frequency to this planet, and that is exactly what the fuck I intend to do. I am a Warrior of the Light and nothing is going to stand in my way.
Let it begin....
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
My spiritual depression was to take me back to the gates of hell. At the end of 2016 I was contemplating suicide. The futility of life and its seemingly meaningless existence brought me to my knees. I knew my HIV was taking a turn for the worse. I was suffering frequent bouts of oral thrush, other fungal outbreaks, and at my worst ebb I had been diagnosed with pneumonia. I had decided to help nature along and help my immune system crash. I did not want to start taking ARV's, instead I was using heavy amounts of recreational drugs, crystal meth was drug of choice, injecting steroids and boozing all the while dealing with my pneumonia. It was a low point from which I saw no light. I was alone and trapped in my own darkness.
I was only shaken awake by my clients, I'm a Personal Trainer by profession, and it was only on their insistence that I make a difference and am valued and needed in their lives, that I decided to turn the tide and begin ARV treatment. My CD4 count had dropped to 204 by the time I took the decision to medicate. However, I had not stopped my boozing or recreational drug use. I was for all intents and purposes still immersed in the matrix and it was going to take an earthquake in my life to wake me the fuck up again. Back in 2012 the Spirit of Truth had warned me that should I get involved, I would be hurt by such involvement. It was not so much a warning as it was a foretelling, and I would find that out the hard way.
From when the Spirit of Truth visited me that fateful night in October of 2012, I embarked on a voyage of awakening. I cleansed and purged my life of all negativity as far and wide as I could. I did as much self work as I thought was necessary, but as mentioned before, did not see the fruits of my labour. I had been single and celibate for 4 years and it was the loneliness and isolation from the world, that set me on a path of depression. Having come out of suicidal mode at the end of 2016, I decided that I was ready for a relationship in 2017. I felt renewed enough within myself to look for a life partner to love and be loved in return. I was to put the Spirit of Truth to the test and see if what I had been shown held water. As events of last year unfolded and have proved, it did.
The purpose of last year was to break me, to harden me. To use my strengths against me and shut me down. To make me never love myself or anyone else ever again. It was meant to damage me beyond repair. After having been so close to the edge of suicide, it was to be the final shove I had been hoping and looking for. It was to be my end. But it wasn't. Its done exactly the opposite. Through my healing and introspection, it has brought me back into The Light. It has emboldened me, strengthened me, reaffirmed and anchored me. What was to be my end, has become my beginning. Stepping into my power of Love, the gift that God has given me, my highest vibration, I am starting my journey of self mastery.
I have come to anchor my frequency to this planet, and that is exactly what the fuck I intend to do. I am a Warrior of the Light and nothing is going to stand in my way.
Let it begin....
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
Sunday 14 January 2018
I am
I am the only Son of Love. The physical manifestation and living proof of a Forbidden Love. I am the result of an illicit affair between two married parties, who were not married to each other. I am a bastard child.
My biological father never acknowledged me, and my namesake father abandoned me - he knew I was not of his seed, so I can't begrudge him that. I was born to a dysfunctional family and was the black sheep. I was different. I was a lone child. I was protected by one half-sibling, and bullied by another. We did not have it easy as a family. My mothers failed relationships, which emanated from the love she was denied, led her to alcoholism. She literally became a bar fly, finding joy in the bottom of a bottle, and numbing her pain, rather than dealing with her shit and moving on. My half-siblings, two sisters actually, left home by the age I was around 10, and I was left to fend for myself.
I grew up embarrassed about the way we lived. We had nothing. I never made friends or brought them round to my house for that reason. I could never rely on my mother for anything. If something had to be done I had to make sure I did it. I would get her bank card, draw cash, make sure the accounts were paid, food was bought and prepared, and made to ensure whiskey was available every night she got home. Invariably she would have picked up some random decrepit man, and brought him home with her too, which obviously pained me to see. I knew she deserved better.
During my childhood however, on occasion, perhaps twice a year, an "old friend" of my mothers would stop by, and take me to the local cafe to buy sweets. He'd spend an hour or two spoiling me, taking me to the park and just spending time with me. I was too young to understand the reasoning why he did this, other than to know he was someone my mother was friendly with back in the day. It was only when I was sixteen that I found out the truth about who he was, my natural father.
I knew I was different from an early age. I was wise beyond my years, understood matters a child is not supposed to know at a young age. I was, and still am, a loner. I was different to my siblings too. I felt my appearance and intellect separated me from them. I had an inner knowing that something about me was specific to me only. The urge to know eventually got me to ask my mother when I was 16. I literally asked her why I was different to my sisters and where did I come from. She had thought I'd overheard my aunts in conversation. The affair my mother had was quite the scandal within the family for years, I was completely oblivious to this fact. Anyway, as it turned out she told me that I was right, there was something, and that the man who I'd always thought was my father, was in fact not!
My real father, his name was Ronnie, I was told had died a year earlier. I had not seen him in years. The last time he visited I was 13. I did not feel relieved, but more validated to hear the truth. It did not change who I was, or make me better, or less than my sisters. I did not end up on a crusade to find my fathers family either, there would be no point to it, and I understood no good would come of it for anyone. It was better to let sleeping dogs lie.
What this has left me with is a strong, deep desire to be loved by another man unconditionally and uninhibitedly. Not having had a close, tight bonding experience with a male in my growing years has lead me to feel a void that needed to be filled. I searched for that light for 43 years. Searching for the light however, has always brought me heartache and pain. I never realised that what I was searching for, I was. That epiphany only dawned on me after my last horrific relationship. In rebuilding myself again, I came to understand that my weakest flaw, is my strongest attribute!
I am LOVE! I am of Source. I am of Creation. I do not need to look for anything outside of myself, for it lies within. I was conceived of love, and at the core of my essence lies love. I am not here to receive love, I am here to give love. That is my purpose. It is with this knowing and understanding that I now move forward with my life.
As a post on my Instagram told me today : "You are not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your Truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth and your raging courage". Alex Elle.
Another post says "Speak that shit into existence"..........and I plan to!
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
My biological father never acknowledged me, and my namesake father abandoned me - he knew I was not of his seed, so I can't begrudge him that. I was born to a dysfunctional family and was the black sheep. I was different. I was a lone child. I was protected by one half-sibling, and bullied by another. We did not have it easy as a family. My mothers failed relationships, which emanated from the love she was denied, led her to alcoholism. She literally became a bar fly, finding joy in the bottom of a bottle, and numbing her pain, rather than dealing with her shit and moving on. My half-siblings, two sisters actually, left home by the age I was around 10, and I was left to fend for myself.
I grew up embarrassed about the way we lived. We had nothing. I never made friends or brought them round to my house for that reason. I could never rely on my mother for anything. If something had to be done I had to make sure I did it. I would get her bank card, draw cash, make sure the accounts were paid, food was bought and prepared, and made to ensure whiskey was available every night she got home. Invariably she would have picked up some random decrepit man, and brought him home with her too, which obviously pained me to see. I knew she deserved better.
During my childhood however, on occasion, perhaps twice a year, an "old friend" of my mothers would stop by, and take me to the local cafe to buy sweets. He'd spend an hour or two spoiling me, taking me to the park and just spending time with me. I was too young to understand the reasoning why he did this, other than to know he was someone my mother was friendly with back in the day. It was only when I was sixteen that I found out the truth about who he was, my natural father.
I knew I was different from an early age. I was wise beyond my years, understood matters a child is not supposed to know at a young age. I was, and still am, a loner. I was different to my siblings too. I felt my appearance and intellect separated me from them. I had an inner knowing that something about me was specific to me only. The urge to know eventually got me to ask my mother when I was 16. I literally asked her why I was different to my sisters and where did I come from. She had thought I'd overheard my aunts in conversation. The affair my mother had was quite the scandal within the family for years, I was completely oblivious to this fact. Anyway, as it turned out she told me that I was right, there was something, and that the man who I'd always thought was my father, was in fact not!
My real father, his name was Ronnie, I was told had died a year earlier. I had not seen him in years. The last time he visited I was 13. I did not feel relieved, but more validated to hear the truth. It did not change who I was, or make me better, or less than my sisters. I did not end up on a crusade to find my fathers family either, there would be no point to it, and I understood no good would come of it for anyone. It was better to let sleeping dogs lie.
What this has left me with is a strong, deep desire to be loved by another man unconditionally and uninhibitedly. Not having had a close, tight bonding experience with a male in my growing years has lead me to feel a void that needed to be filled. I searched for that light for 43 years. Searching for the light however, has always brought me heartache and pain. I never realised that what I was searching for, I was. That epiphany only dawned on me after my last horrific relationship. In rebuilding myself again, I came to understand that my weakest flaw, is my strongest attribute!
I am LOVE! I am of Source. I am of Creation. I do not need to look for anything outside of myself, for it lies within. I was conceived of love, and at the core of my essence lies love. I am not here to receive love, I am here to give love. That is my purpose. It is with this knowing and understanding that I now move forward with my life.
As a post on my Instagram told me today : "You are not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your Truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth and your raging courage". Alex Elle.
Another post says "Speak that shit into existence"..........and I plan to!
#starseed #pleiadian #blueray #iamthelight #alphaandomega #warrior #timetofuckingshine #loveistheanswer #raisevibration #prethetree #floweroflife #consciousness
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